Getting healthy is a full time job

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Getting healthy is a full time job.  I like to think I can fit it in when I’m not busy, but it really doesn’t work that way.  It requires a shift in mindset, a new paradigm deep inside my brain.  But what happens is that the old school voice is not so willing to give up its comfy nest.  Oh no.  It wants to hold on like a hungry dog’s jaws around a steak.

So I endeavor to understand the beast and do my best to let it go.  But it doesn’t want to go.  So what to do?  Perhaps a transformation is in order.  Still, it’s pretty tough to transform something that is holding on like a pair of vice grips.  But this is the only way.  It won’t be bullied and my willpower would never be strong enough to win this battle.  I’ve tried the strong arm approach.  It doesn’t work.

I’ve noticed that as I am getting more healthy  (eating a healthier diet, avoiding overeating, managing stress and exercising to name a few things) that a deep, unidentified anxiety starts to creep into every cell of my being.  I have found myself clenching my teeth and the arms on chairs.  I can’t keep my feet still, or my legs for that matter, either!  And I cannot tolerate that leg shaking business with other people.  I can’t sit next to them or in a booth with one of them on the other side.  I want them to relax.  And here I am, as tense as all get out, feeling like I’m about to explode with all the pent up energy.

So I allow myself to simply notice what is happening.  Isn’t it curious that I’m all bunched in a knot?  How can eating do this to me?  Some days I feel like a junky in recovery.  I don’t beat myself up over it, though.  I kiss myself on each shoulder, envision a blue bubble of light around me and soon the anxiety pales in comparison to the self love I am feeling.  I remember what I want:  to feel vibrant, alive and energized.

Then I take a big breath and bid farewell to the demon … until next time.



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