I’m doing better than I thought

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I’m doing better than I thought.  Let me explain.

I have always struggled with emotional eating.  You know, the kind where you just overeat because of feeling too anxious, too angry, too sad … too much.  It’s the type of eating that I have to justify, because I would never do it in my right mind.  Emotional eating can be vast and blatant or it can be as subtle as slipping a cookie when no one is looking.

I have always used difficult feelings as justification for overeating.  But the result is always, always feeling guilty over what I have done.  The eating gives some sort of satisfaction, some sense of control, perhaps, in the moment, but it NEVER feels good once it is done.  And it can trigger a spiral down to the land of “I don’t care” quicker than I can blink my eyes, so it is important to recognize when it is happening and wake up. (Or wake the f**k up, as I like to say.)

I got bad news last week.  Really, really bad, the kind nobody ever wants to hear.  My sweet, sweet dog was diagnosed with liver cancer.  I felt devastated and sad.  Then, to add insult to injury, had a tremendous argument with my life partner.  I felt like I had been shredded.

I just wanted to go to the French pastry shop and eat custard filled puffs and croissant-chocolate-bread pudding.  And I did, but could not bring myself to eat it all right then and there.  Interesting.  I did finish the bread pudding later that night, however.  And the next day my feelings were laden with guilt over what I had done.

This week I had vowed to begin detoxifying my body.  I was determined to go forward, grow up and not allow my feelings to dictate what I eat.

Today at lunch, I thought I had not been doing so well when my partner reminded me that I had just ordered the vegetable stir fry and just spoken the words, I want to eat more vegetables.  He wanted me to see that I had had a brief ‘transgression’ but that I was not going down the negative spiral to the land of “I don’t care.”  That, given the circumstances, I had behaved as most anyone would (desiring a sweet treat in a moment of despair), but that I did not allow it to consume or control me.  That, in fact, I was being responsible, making good choices and doing the best I could under extremely stressful circumstances.

Hmmmm.  I guess I’m not doing so badly after all.


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